Ah, Valentine’s Day is here. While Hallmark Cards and Lifetime movies depict this as a joyous occasion rife with flowers, chocolate, and love…for many attractive girls, Valentine’s Day is their worst nightmare.

Indeed, Valentine’s Day encourages some men to commit acts of absolute dumb-assery. It can invoke the creepiest of creepy behavior as if it were the subconscious “trigger” activating a Manchurian Candidate whose mission it is to absolute mortify some poor lass. Otherwise normal men often lose their mind on Valentine’s Day, going to great lengths to completely embarrass themselves.

Don’t make the same mistakes as those who have shamed themselves in the past. Make sure you avoid turning into any of these 5 creepers who scamper out of the shadows and freak out unsuspecting women on Valentine’s Day.

This is the dude who watched one too many romantic comedies. Suddenly believing he’s John Cusack, this is the guy who’s going to send the flowers to a girl’s workplace, buy some ridiculous present, or just do something that only makes sense in the script of a really bad romantic comedy.

Leave the grand romantic gestures to Hollywood. If she’s not your girlfriend, wife, or estranged lover, then doing anything “grand,” “romantic,” or even a “gesture” on Valentine’s Day will only make you look like a fool.

Cancel that order to 1800-FLOWERS.

For some creepy guys, they take full advantage of their unlimited texting plan on Valentine’s Day. In an obvious attempt to troll for any desperate or lonely girls on Valentine’s Day, these guys will send out of some corny mass text to every female they have in their contact list.

Trust me: no girl wants to get your mass text on Valentine’s Day. Such texts literally stink of desperation. I don’t even know how a text message could have an odor, but these texts somehow do. And it smells shitty.

The friend zone on Valentine’s Day is a lot like what supposedly happens to people in hell on Halloween. It’s the one day where “the trapped” can rise again and walk amongst the living. But you know what both have in common: THEY’RE MYTHS.

No one has ever risen from hell on Halloween and, likewise, no guy has ever escaped the friend zone on Valentine’s Day. If you think that this year you’re going to be the first, go ahead and try it. But don’t act surprised when you end up back in hell…I mean, back in the friend zone (sorry, a bit of a mixed metaphor there!).

So you want to put those last 6 months of guitar lessons to use on Valentine’s Day? Are you setting up Garage Band, getting ready to record that acoustic ballad intended to sweep your crush off her feet this V-Day?

Don’t do it, dumbass.

Since your mom won’t tell you that your song sucks, let me—a stranger on the internet—tell it to you how it is: no song that you wrote specifically for impressing some girl on Valentine’s Day is going to be good. Ever. Put the guitar down. Tear up the lyric sheet. And save yourself the mortifying humiliation.

As creepy as those other 4 freaks are, there is no human creepier than the man who lurks on the Internet and proclaims his affection via Facebook, Twitter, or email on Valentine’s Day.

Now, I know some of you reading are secretly considering doing this. Don’t. No exceptions. No special cases. Nothing. If you send an amorous message to a girl you’re not dating on Valentine’s Day, you are a very, VERY creepy man indeed.

And so you deserve the hilarity that will ensue behind your back as your message gets posted around the interwebz. Shame on you, you creepy man you.

So, there they are: the 5 creepiest men who will be making a shameful scene near you this Valentine’s Day. It may be the guy you sit next to you in class, or the guy working in the next cubicle beside you, or even that random guy you bump into at the local Starbucks.

No matter where they are, make sure to get a good laugh in at their expense since you certainly won’t be making the same mistakes!

And if you ABSOLUTELY want to make sure you’re NOT “that creepy guy” take THIS DATING QUIZ. The entire purpose of this quiz is to make you aware of your “blindspots” when learning to become successful with women! Oh and it’s totally free! Click Here to Take the Quiz!